Shy but confident

So I have always been very quiet and shy. Always having trouble making new friends because it was just a chore to get me to engage with anyone other than people I trusted.  This has made my life extremely difficult because no one wants to be alone all the time.  Given, I do enjoy my alone time in which I use to do new hobbies, workout, read, blog, and other activities that interest me that may not interest other people.  My alone time is very precious to me; however, I in no way enjoy being alone all the time contrary to belief.

I think there is some type of fear society has towards quiet, shy, and introverted people.  Maybe it is the mystery about us or the fact that we don't really fit into the ideal outgoing, social butterfly that America tends to love.  We see on television the characters that are usually held high in America's hearts and it is usually those with vibrant, outgoing personalities.   They sometimes get into trouble and cause chaos, but we love them!  Those characters with opposite characteristics are never really on the radar.  They are often ignored or deemed as weird and awkward.

I still to this day struggle with this.  It has impacted my relationships both romantic and platonic.  I have lost girlfriends because I didn't call as often as they would have liked me too, and I have lost boyfriends because I didn't talk as much. A lot of the time I would have people make comments about me being alone all the time or most of the time.  For example, my old boss used to ask me daily " Why are you alone?" "Why are you single?".  If anything him pointing out that something was wrong with me because of these things only made me feel worse about myself.  I had to endure these questions about my personality every single day and every single day I thought to myself " What is wrong with me?"

I think at 29, I am starting accept being alone in general.  I push myself to get out and try new things even if it is by myself.  I try not to think about what others maybe perceiving me as when I am alone and eating.  I try to just concentrate on exploring the world and making as many good quality friends as I can.  I do have a handful of friends; however I am more concerned with quality over quantity.  If I don't feel a connection, I don't see the point of hanging out.  Sometimes again this can be extremely hard because you get many negative comments made by ignorant people, especially being in the Navy and surrounded by so many 18 year olds.   I aim to ignore it.  It is my life, not theirs, I should do what I wish and if I wish to enter a coffee shop and enjoy a good book by my lonesome because I can't find anyone to do it with me or I just want alone time, I shall do it!!

My life goal has always been to find happiness wherever, whenever, or whatever that might be.  To have a fulfilling career in which I feel I am good at and make a good contribution to society, and wake up 90% of the time with a smile on my face ready for life!!!  So far I have gotten better but I am not quite there yet.  I hope to achieve this soon!!