Overwhelmed

So last night was suppose to be an awesome outing with a few friends that I made here at A School and it turned into a disaster.  I started out getting ready, trying to mold myself into perfection.  Doing my nails, hair, and putting together a super cute/sexy outfit for a night of drinking, laughs, and great conversation.  My hair is always a pain to deal with.  It took me a total of 2 hours to straighten my mid back length, very kinky, African American hair.  However, I felt it was well worth it because I was determined to have a great night.  I was determined to feel beautiful for once and just let my hair down, literally ( the Navy requires me to wear my hair in a bun 24/7), and have fun for once.  I decided on an outfit.  Something sexy but still somewhat feminine and classy.  It was a long floor length skirt with a flirty top that showed my natural curves without looking too slutty.  I was excited!!!  My friends text me just in time to confirm that they were in my ship, waiting for me.  Just in time!!!  I had just finished my makeup and putting on my accessories.


We ended up going to the The Wine Bar a location that a friend of mine recommended to me.  It was my type of place.  A nice selection of wine, nice atmosphere, and great service!!  The food was divine!!  As conversation started at the table, I soon discovered that I was being left out.  I tried to throw some ideas out and join in the conversation, but it really wasn't working out.  My two girlfriends were talking to each other laughing, not even noticing me on the end of the table.  The two guys who joined us were very intrigued by my two friends, and there was I.  Alone.  The two guys tall, white, brunette hair, had no interest in even engaging in conversation with me.  When I tried to start conversation they made no eye contact and pretty much followed my friends around.  I just smiled and enjoy my food and tried not to make a big deal of it.  I figured once I start drinking I won't really care much!!


We left the Wine Bar and headed towards our next stop, a small piano bar that we had attended the night before which I loved.  I was sure once I got inside, had my favorite drink of vodka and diet coke, I'd be on top of the world again.  LOL  I was wrong.  Soon as we entered the door, my two girlfriend met another group of guys they had previously known.  It turned out into a family reunion and again there I sat alone.  Around about this time I got really tired of being left out so I figured I go to the restroom and check my makeup and put myself together.  I am not sure what overtook me but I began to think about all the issues I have had throughout my life making friends and I began to cry.  Cry my eyes out.  My make up began to run so I just stayed put, drank and just let it all out.


The main thing that was upsetting me was that I just I am so shy, introverted, and awkward it was always been a struggle for me to meet and befriend people.  I spend so much time alone I don't even know how to be with another person, boyfriend/husband or friend.  Being around a group of women and having to come up with things to say has always been hard.  It is so nerve racking!!  I am never  completely comfortable when I am with people,  I always feel pressure.  I am nervous to speak and then paranoid if I say the wrong thing I will lose them even though I was end up losing them in the end anyway.  If I say something wrong and I get strange looks, I always end up repeating the experience a millions times in my head afterwards , trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Oh and then being around a guy or a group of guys is even worse.  I have had guys have to ask me out 4 to 9 times before I agreed because it was just a overall stressful experience to date.  This may be why I have always struggled keeping men and women in my life.


I admit I enjoy my alone time, but I in no way enjoy being alone all the time.  I usually enjoy having company a for a few outings. Sometimes it makes me feel unloved, unimportant, or even boring.  I beat myself up and wonder what is wrong with me?  Why isn't this working out?  I constantly feel alone in life being that my family life is not the greatest and my issues with friend making.  I have gotten better over the years but I still struggle.  I am hoping to put an end to this very soon.