Overwhelmed

So last night was suppose to be an awesome outing with a few friends that I made here at A School and it turned into a disaster.  I started out getting ready, trying to mold myself into perfection.  Doing my nails, hair, and putting together a super cute/sexy outfit for a night of drinking, laughs, and great conversation.  My hair is always a pain to deal with.  It took me a total of 2 hours to straighten my mid back length, very kinky, African American hair.  However, I felt it was well worth it because I was determined to have a great night.  I was determined to feel beautiful for once and just let my hair down, literally ( the Navy requires me to wear my hair in a bun 24/7), and have fun for once.  I decided on an outfit.  Something sexy but still somewhat feminine and classy.  It was a long floor length skirt with a flirty top that showed my natural curves without looking too slutty.  I was excited!!!  My friends text me just in time to confirm that they were in my ship, waiting for me.  Just in time!!!  I had just finished my makeup and putting on my accessories.


We ended up going to the The Wine Bar a location that a friend of mine recommended to me.  It was my type of place.  A nice selection of wine, nice atmosphere, and great service!!  The food was divine!!  As conversation started at the table, I soon discovered that I was being left out.  I tried to throw some ideas out and join in the conversation, but it really wasn't working out.  My two girlfriends were talking to each other laughing, not even noticing me on the end of the table.  The two guys who joined us were very intrigued by my two friends, and there was I.  Alone.  The two guys tall, white, brunette hair, had no interest in even engaging in conversation with me.  When I tried to start conversation they made no eye contact and pretty much followed my friends around.  I just smiled and enjoy my food and tried not to make a big deal of it.  I figured once I start drinking I won't really care much!!


We left the Wine Bar and headed towards our next stop, a small piano bar that we had attended the night before which I loved.  I was sure once I got inside, had my favorite drink of vodka and diet coke, I'd be on top of the world again.  LOL  I was wrong.  Soon as we entered the door, my two girlfriend met another group of guys they had previously known.  It turned out into a family reunion and again there I sat alone.  Around about this time I got really tired of being left out so I figured I go to the restroom and check my makeup and put myself together.  I am not sure what overtook me but I began to think about all the issues I have had throughout my life making friends and I began to cry.  Cry my eyes out.  My make up began to run so I just stayed put, drank and just let it all out.


The main thing that was upsetting me was that I just I am so shy, introverted, and awkward it was always been a struggle for me to meet and befriend people.  I spend so much time alone I don't even know how to be with another person, boyfriend/husband or friend.  Being around a group of women and having to come up with things to say has always been hard.  It is so nerve racking!!  I am never  completely comfortable when I am with people,  I always feel pressure.  I am nervous to speak and then paranoid if I say the wrong thing I will lose them even though I was end up losing them in the end anyway.  If I say something wrong and I get strange looks, I always end up repeating the experience a millions times in my head afterwards , trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Oh and then being around a guy or a group of guys is even worse.  I have had guys have to ask me out 4 to 9 times before I agreed because it was just a overall stressful experience to date.  This may be why I have always struggled keeping men and women in my life.


I admit I enjoy my alone time, but I in no way enjoy being alone all the time.  I usually enjoy having company a for a few outings. Sometimes it makes me feel unloved, unimportant, or even boring.  I beat myself up and wonder what is wrong with me?  Why isn't this working out?  I constantly feel alone in life being that my family life is not the greatest and my issues with friend making.  I have gotten better over the years but I still struggle.  I am hoping to put an end to this very soon.

Waiting on Women

Today I called up two people that I would consider to be my friends for two separate outings and I got stood up.  I am not in the greatest mood right now because of it. I was suppose to meet a friend at the USO for movies but she never showed and stopped answering my text messages.  Then, I was suppose to meet a friend for dinner.  Again she never showed and didn't answer any of my text messages.   There I was sitting for 30-40 minutes waiting there looking "lonely" as usual as military couples and friends passed looking at me like they felt sorry for me. I just finally gave up and walked back to the barracks.

Another thing I would like to talk about today is waiting for women to get ready for outings.   I don't understand the concept of waiting for hours just eat a 30 min meal with girlfriends.  We all know it takes  hours for women to get ready for some reason.  We all agree upon meeting up at 6:00 pm lets say.  Then 6:00 pm comes around, you have made the effort to do your makeup, hair, feet, nails, and etc prior to the agreed upon time and be ready to go.  You reach for your phone to text your girlfriends to see where in the world they are, and no one responds or they respond with "I am still getting ready".  Ten minutes turns into thirty minutes and thirty into two hours.  You sit waiting for your friends to finish getting ready.  When everyone is finally ready to go you wonder why it took these women so long to get ready in the first place.  They look no more prettier than if it took only 30 minutes to get ready.  Now mind you, I am a pretty prissy girl.  I love heels, make up, dressing up and looking good but I am almost ALWAYS ready on time.

This my friends, is my dilemma.  I am always accused of being alone but when I try to hang with friends, it annoys me at how long have to wait just to hang out with them for such a short time.  Half the time, I think "What the hell?  I could have eaten and went shopping already".  Am I right or am I wrong?  Am I the only woman in the world that manages my time wisely so that I can be at a place on time?  It seems like it!

I guess this comes with the territory of befriending women.  I do love women because honestly no one in this world will understand you better than another woman.  There are just certain things you can't do with guys or a boyfriend.  There are many things you just can't talk about with a boyfriend or a guy.  That's why your girlfriends are so valuable.  However, finding great female friends is a job in itself.  You have to deal with backstabbing and other drama.  Sometimes it is worth it and sometimes it is not. However,  I am hoping to find a few great girlfriends to keep around for a lifetime!

 

Shy but confident

So I have always been very quiet and shy. Always having trouble making new friends because it was just a chore to get me to engage with anyone other than people I trusted.  This has made my life extremely difficult because no one wants to be alone all the time.  Given, I do enjoy my alone time in which I use to do new hobbies, workout, read, blog, and other activities that interest me that may not interest other people.  My alone time is very precious to me; however, I in no way enjoy being alone all the time contrary to belief.

I think there is some type of fear society has towards quiet, shy, and introverted people.  Maybe it is the mystery about us or the fact that we don't really fit into the ideal outgoing, social butterfly that America tends to love.  We see on television the characters that are usually held high in America's hearts and it is usually those with vibrant, outgoing personalities.   They sometimes get into trouble and cause chaos, but we love them!  Those characters with opposite characteristics are never really on the radar.  They are often ignored or deemed as weird and awkward.

I still to this day struggle with this.  It has impacted my relationships both romantic and platonic.  I have lost girlfriends because I didn't call as often as they would have liked me too, and I have lost boyfriends because I didn't talk as much. A lot of the time I would have people make comments about me being alone all the time or most of the time.  For example, my old boss used to ask me daily " Why are you alone?" "Why are you single?".  If anything him pointing out that something was wrong with me because of these things only made me feel worse about myself.  I had to endure these questions about my personality every single day and every single day I thought to myself " What is wrong with me?"

I think at 29, I am starting accept being alone in general.  I push myself to get out and try new things even if it is by myself.  I try not to think about what others maybe perceiving me as when I am alone and eating.  I try to just concentrate on exploring the world and making as many good quality friends as I can.  I do have a handful of friends; however I am more concerned with quality over quantity.  If I don't feel a connection, I don't see the point of hanging out.  Sometimes again this can be extremely hard because you get many negative comments made by ignorant people, especially being in the Navy and surrounded by so many 18 year olds.   I aim to ignore it.  It is my life, not theirs, I should do what I wish and if I wish to enter a coffee shop and enjoy a good book by my lonesome because I can't find anyone to do it with me or I just want alone time, I shall do it!!

My life goal has always been to find happiness wherever, whenever, or whatever that might be.  To have a fulfilling career in which I feel I am good at and make a good contribution to society, and wake up 90% of the time with a smile on my face ready for life!!!  So far I have gotten better but I am not quite there yet.  I hope to achieve this soon!!